Archive for the ‘home’ Category

a sorry state of affairs

Posted: 12/23/2001 in home

i just glanced down at the shopping list my sister started and it has the following items:
chicken
batteries

that’s it. now if that isn’t weird, i don’t know what is.

well, then again, maybe i do. last night, after having a fabulous burger and a beer at zips, this ancient xavier hangout, we went over to the pilot inn, a hole in the wall bar with a pool table and a damned fine jukebox. i mean, i was playing “shining star” by earth, wind and fire, along with “karma police” by radiohead and “never there,” by cake.

anyway, about 15 minutes into brian (my brother-in-law) and his friend, peter,’s game, this tall guy with a handful of teeth and jeans with the knees blown out, walks back to the table.

he wore a t-shirt that said, “yes-siree bob,” on the pocket.

his name is ron. announced he would turn 40 at midnight, and was well on his way to getting drunk with screwdrivers.

since my sister and i were the only females in this section of the bar, ron took it upon himself to hit on us. he looks at me and asks, “do you like to date?” lord almighty.

then, he later asks, “do you like sex?”
i was so flummoxed, i said, “well, who doesn’t?”

he then proceeded to tell us the following story:
he has two kids, but is divorced and living with his ex and her boyfriend. the boyfriend does crack, and is watching the kids tonight while he celebrates his bday.
he is a truck driver and came home recently to find a giant hole in the dining room wall. seems someone had lit a candle, which the cat knocked over, and it ignited a pile of bottle rockets sitting nearby, and it set the place afire.
he is suing his landlord because he has no windows in his apartment. well, there was one, but his daughter, who is 5, was shouting out the window to someone, and the window came down on her head, and shattered, cutting ron and his “boy.”
when i asked if the daughter was hurt, he said, no, she has a hard head just like her mother. he seemed more concerned about being cut than about his kid getting whacked with a window. ok…

the best line was when he said he was going to squat down in the middle of the living room floor and take a shit.

at which point, peter, who is amusedly handling this guy, says in a most disarming way, “my god, man, it’s hard enough playing pool with you. i don’t want to have to think about you doing that.”

this went on for about an hour…brian and peter alternately playing this guy.

i was sort of sad and weird. and like slowing down to watch a car wreck.

on friday night, i had a similar experience.

my sister’s friend, laurie, is dating this major toad of a guy named “tod.” when she had to get a hysterectomy, his biggest concern was when they’d get to have sex again. the man is in his 40s, mind you.

well, laurie shows up with this guy on friday night. it’s the first time my sister or any of laurie’s friends have met him. we’re all incredulous that she had the guts to bring him, but whatever.

i tried to be disarming and asked where he worked.
a camera store, he replied.
i’m like, are you a manager?
yes.
what kind of cameras do you sell?
i have no idea.
okkkkkkayyyy…what do you do?
oh, i’m in networking.
what is that?
computer mainframe blah, blah blah.
i was so put off by this guy’s lack of social skills that i refused to talk to him the rest of the night.
when we left, my sister said,”well, maybe we’ll see you again.”
and he just glared at her.

now that is pretty fucked up.

o-hi-o

Posted: 12/21/2001 in home

just a quick dispatch from up north…got up at 3:30 a.m., to make sure i made my 5:15 a.m. flight from gville. i feel like i’ve been up for three days.

wore my wool, dress-length winter coat in gville this morning, b/c it was a balmy 38 degrees. in all the time i’ve lived in fla., i’ve never worn that coat. ooooh…

of course, cincinnati is a whopping 25 degrees…on wed., the high will be 27. thank god, i leave on thurs. a.m.

my sister and i hung out all day. did some christmas shopping. i was on total auto-pilot, but my consumerist sensibilities were reawakened by the sight of eddie bauer, anthropologie and origins…one good thing about being broke in gainesville, is i will never be spending too much at the local mall, because retail is so abysmal. i can’t even believe i’m saying this…

anyway, we’re heading to dayton tonight to meet up with some friend of laura and brian’s. tomorrow, more consumerism, and then who knows what???